The Third Door is a weekly newsletter about sustainable business strategy for solopreneurs and creative souls who want more out of life than the status quo, hosted by business coach and strategist Jenni Gritters. If you’ve been reading this newsletter for a while and you receive value from it, I’d encourage you to sign up for a paid membership.
Want to get a taste of coaching? I’m offering financial strategy coaching pods for just $99 in October! Sign ups close the last day of September; check them out here.
Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about challenging scenes from my career.
I’ve been remembering the way they looked at me, at my second Big Media Job, when I told them that I had an idea for how to improve our video strategy, when I pitched myself for a promotion, and when I spoke up about a process that felt unethical to me.
“You need to try to be less ambitious,” one woman told me.
“This promotion doesn’t make sense for someone like you,” said another. “You should wait 5 years.”
I remember the nausea I felt wash over me when she pulled me aside at my coworking space, after I’d emailed her to let her know that the role wasn’t a good fit. I was moving on.
“You don’t care about civic issues, you don’t care about people,” she said, after listing all the reasons why my resignation was going to make life difficult for her.
I remember the heat that rose from my neck, to my cheeks, as she laid into me for the quality of my work. I was pregnant with my second child, nearing the third trimester, and had spent the previous day at the hospital getting an IV infusion to try to prevent my constant vomiting, to try to keep the baby safe.
“Maybe you could just try harder,” she said. “Then you wouldn’t make mistakes.”
I remember pacing circles around a parking lot, explaining to her why I had to change my business model so I could make more money for my growing family. It was a decision I’d turned over and over for months. All of my trusted advisors agreed: I had to make a change.
“I understand,” she said, finally. “You’re being selfish.”
Over the years, I have been called these difficult things and many more: Too enthusiastic, too talkative, too smart, too ambitious, too loud, too emotional, too honest, too curious, not kind enough, not honest enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not athletic enough, not skinny enough, not meticulous enough.
I have been told that I care too much, and that I don’t care enough.
I have been told that my words are wrong, my approach is wrong, my way of being in the world is wrong.
I have been told that I cannot be trusted and that I’m “not the right fit” for projects and jobs.
And I grew up in a household — in a religious environment — where even my innate desire to ask questions about life was deemed wrong.
I know, from coaching hundreds of people, that I am not alone. We all have laundry lists of too much and not enough and wrong wrong wrong that we store in our minds. Despite getting great feedback, it’s often the negative comments that stick with us.
And most often, I’ve found, these criticisms from others sound loudest inside our heads when we are about to make a big choice or share an honest thought about the world’s “standard” ways of working. They sound loudest when we’re about to say: This doesn’t work for me.
I have no doubt that all of these scenes are playing and replaying in my mind because I finally let go of most of my product reviewing clients this week. Even though I’ve been running a coaching business for years, that product review work has always been a financial engine for my business. But over the past month, testing products and writing about them has become obviously misaligned; I can’t even fit the work into my schedule without spending extra hours at my desk. (Y’all know I hate this.)
But despite how obvious the misalignment feels, letting go of what is old and comfortable can be really scary. And as a result, my critical gremlin has whipped out her tiny microphone. She’s replaying those old stories, scenes and messages because she is worried about me.
You may have heard me talk about the gremlin before; it’s the inner voice of “not enough” that everyone has. (Many people call it the inner critic.) Our gremlins collect negative feedback like gemstones to remind us to stay safe and avoid punishment or embarrassment. They are born out of tough situations. They exist to protect us and keep us safe — which often means, keeping us small.
When we want to make big changes in our lives, many people get stuck between idea and action because of their gremlin. They hear the criticisms running inside their head and buy into the idea that these criticisms are true.
But they are both true and not true, y’all. They are an echo of the past.
If you, too, are stepping into some Main Character Energy in this fall season, I want you to know: That gremlin is there to protect you. She’s done an amazing job of protecting you for your whole life. Thank you, sweet gremlin.
And, it’s time to ask her to move into the bedroom next door. She’s like a helicopter parent: Nervous about your ability to handle this, worried about what other people might say. That energy makes it really hard to step into something brand new.
Here’s what we do about it: I hope you’ll join me in giving her a moment of gratitude. We love her. We respect her. We can even listen to her for a moment!
Then we’re going to ask her to step aside. In this moment, we are going to let someone else drive the bus. We are calling on our wise selves to make bigger decisions in our businesses.
When she comes in with her screaming and spiraling and panicking, we will close our eyes and take a deep breath. We will exercise our bodies. We will look at her screaming as a sign that something great and bigger is about to happen. The closer we get to what we want (the big scary Want), the louder she gets. Then — most importantly — we will keep taking actions toward the things we want. And the more we take action, the more we will write a new story.
xo,
Jenni
Curious about my background? I’m a writer and business coach living in Central Oregon. My goal is to teach everyone who will listen that it’s possible to build a simple, stable, successful business that support your human needs first. Join my group coaching program, SUSTAIN, for more conversations like this (and a community of people who are all about the path less taken), and follow me on Twitter & Instagram.
Yes, yes, yes! This is exactly what the Inner Critic chapter of Stop Waiting for Perfect is all about. Thank you, Negative Nancy, for trying to keep me safe, and now I need you to step aside! ✌🏾