Embracing Cycles of Change

This — whatever this is — will not last forever. What a relief.

It’s the end of another year, almost the beginning of the next. Whether or not you’re someone who looks at the end of the year as a moment for reflection and intention-setting, one thing is for sure: It’s a transitional time. Winter is when mammals (yes, even humans) hunker down. We let go of things, we step back, we get cozy, we eat a lot, and we sleep more.

For many of my clients, this season (and this year in particular) is bringing up big questions like:

• Did I do what I wanted to do this year?

• Why is this (parenting, work, freelancing, life) so hard?

• What do I really want for next year?

• How can I get clarity on where I’m headed?

• What does it mean to be more in control of my life?

• What is my body telling me, that I’ve been ignoring?

In response to those questions — which I think we all have, time and time again about our businesses and lives — I want to offer a metaphor. Usually I share a client story as an example but today I’m going to talk about myself.

Here’s the key concept: We move through change constantly. And the cycle of change can be broken down into four distinct stages. (Thanks to IPEC, my coach training program, for this framework). We move through the cycle of change in all areas of our lives, all the time. Each comes with distinct benefits and challenges, and you can rest assured that even when it feels like you’re falling down one side of the wheel, you’re still moving forward. What goes down, comes back up again.

Let’s use a deck of cards as an example of the cycle of change:

Phase 1: Shuffling the Deck

During phase one of the cycle of change, we’re holding a bunch of cards in our hands and shuffling the deck. We don’t know what game we’re playing yet and we’re trying to figure out what’s happening. We’re searching for direction, asking big questions about our purpose and values, and doing a lot of research.

When I got laid off from my full-time media job in 2018, I received three months of severance. During that time, I explored all the career options (cards) in my hands: I talked to teachers, non-profit coordinators, media strategists, journalists, lawyers, PR agency heads and freelancers. I applied for dozens of jobs and spoke with several people who wanted to hire me for freelance work. I did informational interviews. I read books and scheduled weekly sessions with my therapist. I filled my brain with information so I could eventually make a decision about what was next.

Phase one of the cycle of change almost always comes with some key emotional experiences: Overwhelm, insecurity and self-doubt. You may feel like you’re on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster, vacillating between excitement and fear. During this phase, we often procrastinate and rabbit-hole into piles of information. This is all completely normal.

Phase 2: Dealing Your Hand

At some point — usually because you feel you’ve collected enough information, you’re encouraged to integrate that information into a plan despite your fear, or you need to start making money — you’ll move to phase two, which is dealing your hand. You probably have enough knowledge at this point to make an educated guess about what’s next. So you start to make a plan. You lay out all the pieces (cards).

After I spent all that time research my next step, I decided to freelance. If you listen to the Writers’ Co-op, you’ll know what happened next: I made a business plan. I set up an LLC. I announced my business. I emailed my contacts. I bought a Quickbooks subscription. I started to onboard clients. I still looked at freelancing as an experiment that I could always step out of. But I was putting all of the systems and pieces in place to make sure I could stay afloat if I wanted to.

Phase two almost always comes with excitement, confidence and high energy. It’s exciting — you’re doing the thing! — and scary, too. But because you’ve started to take action, the fear often takes a back seat to self-belief. During this phase, I often work with people in coaching on practicalities (like defining services and rates), but also on developing sustainable habits, systems and accountability.

Phase 3: Playing the Game

Eventually, once all the cards are in place, phase three is about playing the game. In my freelance business, I felt like I was finally playing the game about six months in. I was in a groove: I was making good money and solidifying exciting connections. I liked some of my projects more than others, but I was learning how to maintain a cadence of work that felt sustainable.

Often, phase three feels really good, at least at the outset. We’re making our dreams happen, experiencing feelings of success and working in an area of expertise. After months of researching and planning, we’re doing it and that momentum feels like a relief. But sometimes phase three starts to feel like burnout over time if you’re not paying attention to the rest of your life outside of your business. Sometimes you can start to feel misaligned if your values have changed but your work hasn’t shifted to match those adjustments. Sometimes you lose focus, passion or inspiration.

Phase 4: Tossing in Your Hand

This brings us to phase 4: Tossing in your hand. At this point, either voluntarily or because of a force outside of yourself (like getting laid off), you walk away from the game. Usually, something isn’t working. Newness is required. And this is where I am right now.

My freelance business has been chugging away for almost four years and, by all external measurements (money, prestige, lifestyle), it’s been successful. For a long time, it felt successful, too! But the past year has been a rough one for me. During my pregnancy with my daughter, I ran my business through nine months of chronic hyperemesis gravidarum (excessive nausea and vomiting). And once she was born, I dove straight into the pit of sleep deprivation and baby spit up that is maternity leave.

When I came back to work in October of this year, I realized that what worked before, wasn’t going to work now. Over the past year, I’d started to work in a more reactionary way because I was in survival mode. The pace was fast and when I came back into it, I realized that I couldn’t sustain it anymore — especially not with two kids who have been constantly sick. After a few weeks of severe panic attacks because it all felt so impossible, the answer was clear: I had to STOP. I had to toss in my hand.

That is what I am in the process of doing now, and it is both a relief and a highly uncomfortable phase. As you may have seen, I’m walking away from co-running the Writers’ Co-op podcast and community with Wudan Yan at the end of this month. I’ve had to let go of long-time clients. I’ve had to prioritize easy and lucrative over interesting. And I’m finally working with my therapist on questions that have eluded me for years: How can I work differently, without hustle? How can I stop performing? How can I choose simplicity over “winning” this capitalist game? What does it mean to actually listen to my body and my emotions, not just my brain?

Tossing in your hand is brave. This phase involves grief and self-doubt. Typically, it brings up feelings of groundless. You’ll question yourself and feel a lack of clarity about what’s next. There’s anxiety in the mix. What’s the medicine for all of this? Rest, healing and processing until you’re ready to start shuffling the deck again.

This cycle of change metaphor reminds us of two things:

First, we are always moving through the stages of change. Sometimes, we’re in a phase of stability (playing the game) with work but we toss in our hands regarding important relationships. Sometimes we’ll toss in multiple hands at once. Sometimes we shuffle the spiritual deck while dealing our hand around a new business idea. It’s all happening, all the time, all at once. So when you feel miserable or stuck in one phase, know this: Inevitably, you’ll end up in the next phase soon. That’s how the gravity of change works. This — whatever this is — will not last forever. What a relief.

Second, no one — I repeat, no one!— sits in phase three (playing the game) forever. It’s a phase that feels stable and predictable so we might find ourselves yearning for it. But life (including business ownership) doesn’t work like that. Moving through seasons of grief, searching, planning and execution is normal. It’s required. If you find yourself in a phase other than “playing the game,” you’re normal. Change is not something to be ashamed of. If you feel groundless or overwhelmed by options, know that you’re right where you should be.

Frankly, I’m in a very uncomfortable place with my business right now. As I clear out the space I need to be a person who can work sustainably, without panic attacks and tension headaches, I must also facing the anxiety that comes along with blank space. But, for the first time in a long time, my creative wheels are also turning. My business is about to be brand new again. Soon, I’ll finish grieving and saying goodbye. Soon, I’ll begin researching new options. Then I’ll start to lay out my hand, preparing to play a game who’s rules I’ve written to re-align my business with the current season of my life. I may be yearning for the predictability and steadiness of playing the game, but I have to trust that stability will come. I just need to make my way through some soul-searching first.

There’s no special subscriber homework this month (stay tuned for more information about new subscriber benefits in the new year). Instead, I just have two questions for all of you to consider during these holiday weeks:

• Which stage of the cycle of change are you in now, with your business?

• What might happen if you gave yourself complete permission to be there for a little bit, without resistance?

Be well,

Jenni