"I don't have enough support"
How to interrupt the beliefs that aren't serving you
Mindset Mastery is a weekly newsletter about the psychology of self-employment from Jenni Gritters. If you’d like to support my work, become a paid subscriber for $5/ month! Paid subscribers receive monthly business planning exercises, along with other perks like access to newsletters on sensitive topics.
If you’re tired of just surviving and want to move your business into a more intentional, less chaotic mode this fall, my new business coaching membership program is for you! It’s called SUSTAIN and this month, we’re focused on making changes to your client list. Next month is all about money. For a short time, I’m offering $50 off your first month’s membership with the code ALLIN.
🚨 Free resource alert! 🚨
Ever been stumped on setting freelance prices? You're not alone. Hopscotch has got you covered with an ebook all about pricing! Their free ebook will teach you strategies for assessing your project’s value, key factors to consider when deciding on a price, and how to explain your pricing model effectively. Don't miss out on projects due to pricing confusion!
About a month ago, I had One Of Those Weeks: Sick kids, canceled plans, wildfire smoke. Nothing went the way I wanted it to go. I had a huge pile of work to do and I was completely unable to touch it.
Here’s what my thought process looked like during that week:
I want to build an empire, but I have sick kids.
I want to build an empire, but I have no support.
I want to build an empire, but my anxiety is through the roof.
I want to build an empire but because of my life set up, I can’t.
I know you’ve been here, spiraling with anxiety because things are JUST NOT WORKING. It helps to feel our feelings, as I’ve talked about before. But what can you do when you’re ready to get out of the dumps and deal with what’s in front of you?
Today’s newsletter is all about an incredible reset tool created by Byron Katie. If you haven’t heard of her, you’ll want to look her up. One of her best frameworks is called The Work and it involves asking yourself four key questions:
Is this true?
Can I absolutely know that it’s true?
How do I react when I believe this thought?
Who would I be without this thought?
Today I’m going to invite you to walk through this exercise with me. First, pick a thought process that hasn’t been serving you. Then apply the four questions above to those thoughts.
I’m going to use this thought: I want to build an empire, but I have no support.
First question: Is this true?
It’s not true. Here’s what was true about my situation during that week: My kids were sick and we had to cancel plans. My anxiety was heightened because of this. But I do have support.
Second question: Can I absolutely know that it’s true?
I can’t be absolutely sure that I don’t have support because there’s a lot of evidence to the contrary! For example, my children spend time with wonderful childcare providers most weeks (when they’re not sick) and we have some family that lives nearby. I have a text thread with a group of moms who are incredibly supportive, and I have two assistants supporting my business, too. My husband also left his career as a nurse to provide our family (and my business) with support. So actually, when I think about it, the opposite is true: I have a lot of support.
Third question: How do I react when I believe this thought?
When I believe that I don’t have support, I don’t ask for support because I think it doesn’t exist. This means I’m taking on everything alone, then I feel full of resentment. I essentially ignore any support I do have and become so anxious that I freeze and can’t get work done. Whew! Obviously, this belief does not serve me well at all.
Fourth question: Who would I be without this thought?
I’d be calmer and less resentful. I’d ask for support. I’d call up my parents, schedule some extra time with the nanny, let my husband know that I need to step away to finish a project, and schedule an appointment with my therapist. I would feel resourced, which would help me serve others better.
I use this tool all the time with my clients, and in my own life. It’s an incredibly effective way to walk ourselves out of the anxiety spiral, back into real life. And that’s not to say that our anxieties, beliefs and fears are wrong. It’s more so that these thoughts and beliefs are born out of our context, our upbringing, and the emotions of the current moment. Byron Katie’s exercise teaches us to put on a new pair of glasses.
What is true for me now is this: I’m anxious about the fall, because my kids often get sick. I’m anxious about watching the coaching programs I’ve built come to life. I’m anxious about the unpredictability of parenthood and entrepreneurship.
And (because both/ and is the third way), I can support myself through those anxieties. The support I need is, frankly, sitting in front of me; it’s my job to get radical and ask for it, pay for it, schedule it, and take it without guilt. It’s my job to let go of what I wish was true and embrace what’s already there.
After that tough week, my husband and I promised each other that we could ask for anything we needed this month, no shame: A walk, an hour away, a sleep-in, a workout, a night with friends. Because if we don’t have what we need — if we go limp at the prospect of suffering and buy into the idea that there isn’t enough time or support for either of us — we can’t run this business without burning out, nor can we be good parents.
What support do you need to make it through the season ahead?
How can you radically take ownership around setting up that support for yourself?
I’ve booked one overnight for myself each month this fall, and a few for my husband and I together. We’re trading play dates with friends on the weekends and leaning into the practices that make us feel good: Eating nutrient-dense foods, spending time outside each day, and prioritizing exercise. I’m setting my alarm 20 minutes earlier each morning, so I can calibrate my nervous system before I tend to everyone elses’.
I’m also re-thinking my routines. For example, I looked at my work schedule for the fall (which involves me working about 24 hours per week, max) and I thought to myself: I can’t ask for more than this, right? I can’t work less than that? That’s ridiculous!
Then I started to ask myself those questions again:
Is this true?
Can I absolutely know that it’s true?
How do I react when I believe this thought?
Who would I be without this thought?
I’m sure you can guess what those questions revealed: I can ask for more. I can work less this fall and winter. I can hike before group coaching calls so I show up full of abundant energy, rather than answering emails from my phone in bed. I can reschedule calls if I need to snuggle my sick kids. I can work slowly, push back deadlines and take naps so I can show up powerfully.
How else will I build an empire?
xo,
Jenni
Curious about Jenni’s background? I’m a writer and business coach based in Central Oregon. I have two small children and I work part-time so I can spend a lot of time with them. Lately, I’ve been obsessed with non-linear business building and teaching people how to build successful businesses that support their human needs first. Check out my coaching offerings here, follow me on Twitter & Instagram, or download my free business plan for creatives!
Hopscotch is today’s newsletter sponsor!
They’re the all-in-one invoicing and bill pay platform for small businesses. With Hopscotch, you can pay and get paid in real time with zero fees, customize your client's payment experience to match your brand, and integrate to accounting software like Quickbooks. Join thousands of businesses paying & getting paid by bank transfers and credit cards on Hopscotch!
Want to learn more about Hopscotch? Sign up for free today and receive $5 for a coffee, on Hopscotch! Just sign up via this link here, then send an invoice to finance@gohopscotch.com via the platform with “coffeebreak” in the invoice memo. Hopscotch will add $5 to your balance so you can go grab a coffee or whatever you please!
REALLY needed to read this today! Phew, the sick kid business is no joke and rocking all my hopes and dreams for this business building time full of grand unmet expectations. Thank you for this exercise and for going first :)