It's normal to outgrow your clients
But there's grief in the mix, too.
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Last week, I had an uncomfortable experience with a writing client who I’ve worked with frequently over the past few years. At one point in time, this client was at the top of my list: Well-paid, fun work, and a respectful relationship.
This week, though, the client emailed me with criticism related to me working with an assistant. As I read her email, I started to come up with a list of counter-claims that I could use to preserve the relationship. But then I realized: I wasn’t going to stop working with an assistant.
Suddenly, it hit me square in the face: This client can’t come with me into the next season of my business.
When we make changes to our businesses (and our lives), it’s nearly inevitable that we will disappoint someone else. That’s the shadow side to business growth: It’s exciting to earn more, feel more in control and focus down on what matters to you. But the people who’ve been with you when you worked the other way might not like these changes very much. When people benefit from you not setting boundaries, they can take you voicing your needs with clarity as an affront. When your new way of being in the world makes other people feel self-conscious or insecure, those other people may get angry with you. As Simone Grace Seol wisely says: They’re having a personal experience and putting your face on it.
As a recovering people pleaser, this reality makes me uncomfortable. Safety, for me, has traditionally been all about keeping the people around me happy. More and more lately, people are either obsessed with my work or, frankly, frustrated that I’m not playing my old game. For example, I’m no longer willing to engage in client drama; I’d rather just walk away. I won’t work long hours on a project that’s paid below my necessary rates. I don’t answer emails on Fridays. I don’t work alone. I don’t tolerate late payments or endless edit requests, and I won’t say “oh, it’s all good!” when those things happen.
In other words: I am no longer willing to believe other people’s criticisms over my own soul’s certainty.
Intellectually, this perspective is a full body yes. But often, it still feels unsafe in my body. The idea of someone hating me for years to come — of them thinking that I’m a bad worker — is horrifying. And yet, there’s no going back. I can’t stop choosing myself now. And if choosing myself (in this case: building a business that works for me and my family, with support from contractors) means making other people upset, I’d still choose it, over and over again.
This is the price of admission.
So often, people come into my coaching room hoping to level up in their businesses without discomfort. They believe that I can make the process better for them. And I can make the process easier in some ways: I can walk alongside them as they navigate discomfort, and remind them that this is normal. But I cannot make the grief go away.
When you grow, you move toward something new. But you also move away from something old. For me and my coaching clients, this process has always been full of grief. And make no mistake: You must deeply feel the grief or you can’t fully step into what’s new because you’ll be too busy waiting for the old paradigm to return and ruminating about what happened.
Western cultures are typically quite poor at processing or even acknowledging grief. But finding a way to process what’s left behind is key to running a healthy business. I love the methodology Emily and Amelia Nagoski propose in their book, Burnout: You must complete the cycle of stress and emotional release. This might mean exercising, dancing, crying, hugging, or even tending to your grief with a ritual. For one of my clients recently, this looked like writing a letter to a former client (that she would never send), saying goodbye. For another, processing grief required her to burn the contract, then spend time dreaming of what could come next for her.
Working with clients in the same way — even though you’ve shifted your mindset — can feel like wearing too-short, too-tight jeans. Even if it worked once, long ago, it’s likely not working now.
Which of your clients have you outgrown?
Which of your work habits have you outgrown?
Which of your services have you outgrown?
This is your permission to let them go. You are not wrong. You are allowed to change. And you are not alone. Other opportunities will come your way. Other people will show up to walk you through this next season. Like water, flowing through our hands, some relationships last and some don’t. But I know this: Hanging onto the past doesn’t serve us. It keeps us safe, but it also keeps us stuck.
I’m letting go of that client relationship. It was good at one point, but the way I work now doesn’t work for them. That’s valid. They’re allowed to feel that way. And we’re all allowed to change the way we work. There’s nothing more normal in human nature than changing with the seasons.
It’s time,
Jenni
Curious about my background? I’m a writer and business coach based in Central Oregon. I have two small children and I work part-time so I can spend a lot of time with them. Lately, I’ve been obsessed with non-linear business building and teaching people how to build successful businesses that support their human needs first. Check out my coaching offerings here, follow me on Twitter & Instagram, or download my free business plan for creatives!