Meeting the Gremlin that Keeps You Trapped
Imposter syndrome sounds like "I'm not good enough." And we all have some brand of it.
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Hi everyone,
Lately, it feels like everywhere I turn, people are raising their hands and yelling “me too” when someone mentions that they feel like an imposter at work, at home, or at school. “I pretend to be good enough but deep down, I’m not sure that I am,” they’ll say. And we all nod: Yes, yes, that resonates. Collectively, we call this affliction imposter syndrome.
I recently finished a coach training program through the Institute of Professional Excellence in Coaching (IPEC) and one of the focuses of the program was an internal block they call the gremlin, which sounds pretty similar to imposter syndrome. A gremlin is an echo – an old voice – that once kept us safe from embarrassment or shame. For most people, gremlins are created during childhood and they shout some version of “not good enough.” Think:
I’m not smart enough.
I’m not attractive enough.
I’m not interesting enough.
I’m not unique enough.
I’m not talented enough.
I’m not extroverted enough.
I’m not likable enough.
Our gremlins keep us small and contained because they peddle the belief that we’re flawed in a deep, shameful and irreversible way. Their job is to prevent you from taking an action that might put you at risk. So when I hear people talking about imposter syndrome, what I hear is that they’re interacting with their gremlin.
What’s most important here is that the gremlin is trying to help you. That’s right, imposter syndrome serves a very clear and important purpose: Protecting you. Because at one point, you needed it! Maybe it kept you from getting into situations that would cause a parent to be critical. Maybe it pushed you to conform to current trends and ways of dressing in high school so you wouldn’t stand out like you did that one time they all made fun of you. Maybe that voice keeps you from putting yourself out there for fellowships and grants because early in your career, a boss told you that you’d never really make it. It all makes sense.
But that’s an old voice. And when you hear that gremlin’s voice whispering You’re not brave enough to try that and you buy in, that’s where we get into trouble. That’s where you cede control of your business (and life). In coaching, my job is to teach you that the gremlin’s voice is usually one voice in a chorus of options. Sure, you can take its insights into account. But you’ll also want to listen to your wise self, your adult self, and whomever else is hanging out in your head. Just because the gremlin is loud, doesn’t mean it always gets its way!
I know this all sounds a bit squishy, so let’s dive into a client example. (Note: As always, this “client” is really a composite of multiple people and I don’t use real names!)
Zane wanted to level up. That’s what he wrote on his intake form for our sessions together: He was hiring me to help him find new freelance clients, make more money, and just generally take himself (and his business) more seriously. He was ready to stop accepting low-paying work, he said, because the resentment was killing him. In the section of my intake form that asked him about blocks, he wrote “imposter syndrome, like everyone else has this figured out and I don’t and something is wrong with me.”
During our first session, I asked him to explain more about this block. And if you want to follow along, you can do this, too: What version of “not enough” is your brain peddling, when it comes to your business? It can help to distill it into a sentence or key thought. For Zane, the thought was: “I am doing this wrong because I am not smart enough.” He felt like he was missing the keys to the castle.
During our next session, we dove head into that gremlin’s message: I’m not smart enough. It turned out, Zane struggled in school as a kid. His ADHD had always made it tough to focus, and he didn’t get good grades. He was consistently called out and put into special programs for “slower” students, and his parents berated him when they saw his low grades. He did excel at writing – so it made sense that he’d become a freelance writer – but his experiences with math and science-based courses had been tough. As a result, he kept quiet, always trying to avoid teachers’ notice.
I asked Zane to share an early memory of not doing well in school and he could clearly explain incidents that began as early as age six. His gremlin was loud because it’d had decades of reinforcement. In fact, “not smart enough” had become part of Zane’s identity, and he was constantly working overtime to disprove that belief while also avoiding challenging work because he didn’t want to fail. The sting of embarrassment and shame that started in elementary school never quite left.
During our conversation, Zane realized that his gremlin’s messages were trying to prevent him from feeling shame. This was a revelation to him because he realized that if he played small and stayed quiet in his business, the lack of risk might mean less embarrassment. Of course his brain wanted that.
But do you, adult Zane, want that? I asked.
Clearly he didn’t, which was why he’d signed up for coaching. He wanted bigger wins, less stress, more money, and more challenging work. If his adult self could be trusted, he wanted to take those changes. But suddenly he could see that the little kid in his head was still really, really scared.
Here are few suggestions for working with your gremlin: The first thing to note is that your gremlin will never really go away. What we can do, though, is understand that the gremlin’s voice is just one voice in a chorus of options. I like to use the metaphor of a neighborhood: Right now, the gremlin was taking up prime real estate in Zane’s head. That gremlin was in the house! But eventually, we want it to move next door. And someday, we’re hoping it’ll move down the street. Over time, that voice might even fade a bit and become less important in Zane’s decision-making.
The next practical tip I had for Zane was to give his gremlin a name. Ideally, we don’t want to name our gremlins after people we know. Instead, I recommend making up some kind of fantastical or funny name. “Scholastic,” Zane said immediately when I asked him this question, recalling memories of the book fairs he attended as a kid. Giving Scholastic a name helped to separate the gremlin’s voice from Zane’s voice; he could see that maybe its messaging wasn’t always offering the truth.
And finally, we needed to give the gremlin a new job. Zane decided that the gremlin’s old job was to keep him safe from shame and embarrassment. Right now, it was purely focused on keeping him out of “high risk” situations, like asking a client for higher pay or taking on challenging assignments. But he wanted to give Scholastic a new job: Showing Zane what he really wanted. When his gremlin got loud, which it was bound to do, Zane would take it as a sign that he actually wanted to take that risk. Instead of a “keep out” sign, Scholastic became a “growth here” sign. Same gremlin, entirely different interpretation.
Now that you’ve stayed with me for some of the more squishy stuff, let’s look at how this showed up in Zane’s business. As I said before, he really wanted to level up. He wanted to be taken seriously, which meant taking himself seriously first. If he wasn’t constantly being pushed into silence by Scholastic, he decided that he would write up a business plan. In that business plan, he’d figure out how much money he needed to make each month, what services he wanted to offer, and who his ideal client was.
Then, with Scholastic present but signaling ideal routes, Zane decided to audit his current client list and make some requests. He asked for a few raises because if those clients couldn’t pay him more, he needed to replace them. What happened? His gremlin showed up, shouting. Zane listened, then decided to trust his adult self and his gut instead. He sent those emails anyway. One client said yes to raising his rates, and another said no. With my support and the backup of some of his freelancer friends, he decided to fire that second client. A month later, he replaced it with one that paid 3x as much per hour. And after feeling the confidence gained from standing firm, Zane was sold. He decided to take on other challenges: Pitching an ambitious journalism story, networking with a writer he admired, and hiring an accountant.
Our gremlins keep us stuck, quiet, and small. They’re trying to keep us safe. Imposter syndrome comes from hearing that gremlin’s voice and believing it. And here’s the honest truth: I’ve never met anyone who doesn’t have a gremlin. Big or small, sassy or commanding, each of us carries imprints of the past. It’s how the human brain works! Learning to dance with that gremlin might be one of the most impactful decisions you can make for your business and your life.
If you want to work through some gremlin exercises, sign up for the $5/ month paid version of this newsletter and you’ll get access to journaling questions that introduce you to your gremlin! You’ll get to name your gremlin and decide how you want to use it in your life and business. You’ll also start to understand how it’s silencing you and keeping you from the things you want.
What’s new in my coaching business: I’m currently out of the office for maternity leave! (I have this email prescheduled to hit your inboxes while I’m caring for my newborn daughter, Lily Ray.) But I’ll be back in October 2022 and am planning to offer 1-1 coaching and group coaching (and maybe even an event or two!) focused on this topic. So if you want to learn more about gremlins or you have ideas for events you’d like to attend, shoot me a note: jennigritters@gmail.com.
The bottom line: Most of the time, when someone comes to me saying that they want to level up, make more money, find new clients, and beyond, I hear all of these asks as symptoms. When we go to the root – the things we believe about ourselves, and what our gremlin shouts day-in and day-out – we make progress so much faster.
The rest is (almost) just gravy.
Jenni