People pleasing as self abandonment
When martyrdom is a ticket to belonging
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A while ago, I saw an Instagram meme that said:
What if we stopped calling it people pleasing and starting calling it what it is: Self-abandonment.
I couldn’t un-read it. I’ve been thinking about it for weeks.
Because of course we’ve been calling it people pleasing. Of course it sounds delightful, because it benefits other people and disempowers us.
The truth is that people pleasing is not benign. I can say, based on coaching hundreds of people pleasers (and being one myself), that the effects of people pleasing can be horrific. For many of us, this response to the world has led to chronic illnesses — both mental and physical — and a life that looks entirely disembodied. It is, indeed, an act of abandonment.
When we talk about nervous system regulation, we’re talking about the ways our parasympathetic and sympathetic circuitry lights up in relation to the world around us. The goal is to be able to move back into a parasympathetic response (rest and digest) when we’re stressed; to be able to regulate ourselves.
When you’re in a sympathetic response state, you’re typically reacting in one of four ways: fight, flight, freeze or fawn.
Fight is the response you hear about most often. When something difficult happens and you feel in danger, you get angry and fight back.
Flight is another fairly common response. When you’re afraid, you run. In the wild, this was a very reasonable way to stay safe.
Freeze is less-talked-about. When you’re in freeze mode, you stop moving (literally, play dead if you’re in the wild) to protect yourself. I recently had a client realize that what she thought was procrastination was actually a deeply entrenched freeze response she’d learned during the pandemic, after various family members got incredibly sick.
Fawn is even less well-known. And guess what? It’s people pleasing! It says: I will keep everyone else around me happy so they don’t notice me. I will attempt to disappear by looking around the room, assessing what everyone else needs, and delivering that care while I abandon myself.
This is where the benign term “people pleasing” really doesn’t sum up what’s happening. When you’re fawning over someone else, you are deep in a cortisol bath. Your body becomes inflamed. You’re ignoring yourself— often, disassociating from your body — in service of survival. You’re the person everyone else wants in that room because you help them feel safe.
But what about you? What about me?
Not too long ago, my coach helped me realize that after decades of people pleasing — which, let’s be real, helped me survive as a kid and really helped me run a successful business for a while… that is, until I burned out so hard that I could no longer deliver that perfect experience everyone else wanted me to give them, and until I got pregnant and was so sick that I couldn’t keep up the act — I have finally learned to meet my own needs in small ways. This is great!
The biggest game-changer for me has been asking one question each morning: What do I need today?
It sounds silly, but I often write down things like “walking outside,” or “drinking water.” Meeting those needs by the end of the day has ignited a self-trust that I did not previously have. When I started deep therapy work four years ago, I genuinely did not even know what I needed. So this small act of asking myself about my needs each morning has really helped.
But my coach also helped me realize recently that I was still doing the bare minimum. Yes, I was drinking water and going on walks. But what about the three hours I waited to pee because I was on calls? What about the thing where I would get to 4 pm and realize that I hadn’t really eaten all day?
I deserve better than the basics. And so do you.
When abandoning ourselves is a practice, we come to see it as the reason we are loved. Our martyrdom is a ticket to belonging. It is a pattern that feels like a security blanket we can never give up. For years, I felt panicked any time anyone had even an inkling of anger pointed in my direction. Other people’s disapproval was my worst nightmare.
And then a series of events happened over the past year that forced me to contend with the fact that two things could be true: I could need something very badly for myself and someone else could be disappointed by it. Both things were valid. As I stepped away from situations that didn’t serve me, leaving anger from others in my wake, I wondered if I could survive. I spent a few months with near-constantly panic attacks.
But, despite my brain’s training: I survived their disapproval. And I was able to radically meet my own needs.
It was an invitation to start treating myself with the same respect and attention I have long offered those around me.
A few weeks ago, in Mexico, I got food poisoning. And instead of blending in and being “just fine,” I made requests. I asked my partner to pick up meds. I asked the kitchen staff to cook me some broth and deliver it to my room. I treated myself with kindness. I didn’t abandon her.
The more I do these things, the more I care for myself like I would a loved one, the more I trust myself.
So: Why am I talking about this in a newsletter about business and entrepreneurship? Because people pleasing — let’s call it self-abandonment now, shall we? — is a toxic habit that leads to most of the burnout I see in my clients’ lives. It’s a very bad business practice. When we spend our days chameleoning to please other people and we abandon ourselves (literally, the most important resource in our businesses as solopreneurs), we become watered down.
Watered down people are not resourced.
They cannot do good work.
They are poised on thin ice, waiting for it to crack at every turn.
They get sick more often.
They can’t figure out how to market, lest someone disapprove.
They cannot ask for a raise.
They aren’t doing the work that makes their heart sing.
They burn out and feel full of resentment.
And when that ice cracks — when someone voices disapproval — panic causes us to make reactive choices, to explode emotionally. Our nervous systems are shaken, unsteady. All of that is felt by our clients, our loved ones and most of all: In our own relationships with ourselves.
Cultivating self-trust, on the other hand, is one of the top skills I recommend people cultivate in business building. When you have your own back, anything is possible.
All of this is to say: It’s time to stop abandoning yourself.
If you’re able, adopt that morning practice: Every morning, ask yourself what you need. Every morning, spend time tending to your own body, mind and spirit. Treat her like a loved one, like a treasured child. Watch how it changes everything.
xo,
Jenni
Curious about my background? I’m a writer and business coach based in Central Oregon. I have two small children and I work part-time so I can spend a lot of time with them. I’m obsessed with teaching people how to build successful businesses that support their human needs first. Check out my coaching offerings here, and follow me on Twitter & Instagram.
Loved this one, Jenni! What a simple truth, but one we ignore all the time. Thanks for sharing!
As a people pleaser, this resonated hard! As a doctor, I can’t help but point out that you mixed up parasympathetic and sympathetic 🫣 Sympathetic is fight or flight and parasympathetic is chill! 😂 it’s a common confusion!