Shifting my work paradigm

I cannot work how I used to work, and also be well.

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Here’s how I’ve always worked: I sit down at my computer and type away, basically without a break, for as many hours as I have available. I hustle so hard that I forget to exhale or eat. I’m used to giving 100% of my effort to my work, and I task switch constantly. I’m that person who gets the work done fast, who responds to your email right away, who never misses a deadline.

This method of working was something I picked up in my first job at a viral media company. I worked remotely, clocking 12+ hour days from my laptop. I was praised for my efficiency. I was constantly told that I’d be the last person to ever be let go from the company. But the end result of this style of work was best summed up by one of my favorite coaches on this podcast: “I’m tired of punishing my body with my ambition.” Oof.

My reality is that my body won’t tolerate this way of working anymore. I talked about this mindset shift in my recent newsletter about choosing a third way; it feels non-negotiable. But I also shared last week about how my husband is taking a leave of absence from his job, which means I need to make a little more money than usual each month. It’s a very both/ and situation. Can I make more and work in a different way?

I’m trying!

It’s worth noting that trying to work differently is really challenging. (Duh). I’m actively pushing against the inertia I’ve built up by doing things in one way for over a decade; many days, working more sustainably feels like moving a boulder. I experience dissonance when my new priorities don’t line up with my default ways of working.

But things are changing slowly. The differences aren’t so much about the work I’m taking on — although my big picture plan does mean eventually changing that, too, now that I have time to actually scale up. (I’ll write about that later this month.) Instead, what’s changing already is my approach to the work I already have.

Here’s the new paradigm:

I’m making room for flexibility.

I previously held pretty rigid boundaries around when I would work, when I would respond to emails, and how I managed my projects. I had schedules on schedules. I maintained daily to do lists. “Boundaries!” I declared.

I’ve had to loosen my grip on all of this, largely due to constraints like mental illness and sick children. I never know what kind of day I’m waking up to. Sometimes I do need to finish work in the evenings, or I’ll choose to spend four hours catching up on a project on a Sunday afternoon. I’m accepting that this is the season I’m in; flexibility actually works better for me than accepting a rigid schedule.

This shows up tactically in many different ways. First, I recently updated my coaching contract to allow my clients to reschedule at any time, even if it’s last minute. (Previously, my contract stated that rescheduling on short notice would mean being charged for the session.) I wanted to acknowledge that life happens — to me and everyone else. I want us both to be able to take advantage of our time together. It’s such an investment! So I’ve loosened my grip.

Second, I map out my week on Sunday evenings with a distinct sense of what needs to be accomplished over the course of five days, versus what I need to do in one single day. This allows me to approach each day from a healthy (and often very different) pace, depending on what I need.

I’m making decisions based on how they feel in my body.

I’m a pretty cerebral person; I can make strategic decisions all day long. But what I’m learning is that there’s often a disconnect between my head and my heart. I tend to make “smart” decisions but then, when I’m working with a particular client or spending my day on Zoom calls, my body feels terrible: Clenched jaw, poor sleep, shortness of breathe, the whole nine.

To shift this, I’m working on making decisions that acknowledge input from my head, heart and gut. Mindset Mastery is a great example! Is it “smart” for me to spend a few hours each week writing, essentially for free? Nope. But is it something that feels completely aligned from a heart perspective? Yes! It’s also a very, very clear yes from my intuition, too. (I wrote about this embodied style of decision making a few months ago!)

I also have a new ritual: I close my eyes after I get offered a new assignment and I try to notice how my body feels about that offer. If I feel nauseated, or I’m clenching my fists/ jaw, I ask: Why? More often than not, these days, I listen to that physical impulse. Even if it’s a “smart” decision to say yes, I still say no.

My pace has changed.

This one is still tricky for me, but overall I’ve slowed down my work pace. What I mean by this is that I’ve lessened my expectations of myself. Typically, I choose two key items to accomplish every day, instead of 10. Then I plan to do things that are not 100% “productive” right in the middle of my work day! I go to lunch with a friend. I take a walk with an audiobook.

Previously, I didn’t take breaks at all because I was so aware of how little time I had to work. (I know the other parents out there will understand this.) But grinding at top speed all day doesn’t serve my nervous system. It also means that I am a distracted, cranky parent when I pick up my kids at the end of the day.

What I’ve noticed is that when I feel panic or scarcity, I’m more likely to work at an unsustainable pace. So part of my mission every day is to soothe my nervous system. I try to do breathwork or yoga nidra meditations each day, before bed. And I’m conscious of grounding myself daily through time outside, cooking, and playing with my kids. If I don’t feel grounded, I’m more likely to go into sprint mode.

My priorities are different.

Before I had my son, Liam, work was my priority. Obviously, he was added to my list of priorities once he was born. But still, I divided my life so steadily in half that I kept work as a top priority in one half, and parenting became the priority for the other half of my life. In public, you saw work Jenni. At home, I was Liam’s mama. Basically, I never worked when I was with Liam, unless he was napping. (This became clear when he announced to his teacher that his dad had a job but I didn’t — because he had never actually seen me work!!) Essentially, I was able to maintain both my parenting and my work life at an equal priority level for the first few years of his life.

Then I had another kid and, well, you know the rest. Panic attacks. Fried nervous system. Feeling totally behind on everything.

And I realized that the prioritization system I’d used previously just didn’t work anymore.

These days, my priorities look like this:

1. Me (my health and wellbeing)

2. My marriage (my relationship with my husband)

3. My children (their wellbeing and being present with them)

4. My community (friends, extended family)

5. My work

Yes, work is number 5. Which means that if something comes up related to me, my children, my husband or my community, I will choose to cancel work responsibilities to meet those other needs.

This is hard! Last week, I stepped out of a call halfway through because I had a migraine. I opted to prioritize myself. I laid down for three hours. Then I got up and put my kids to bed. All of the emails I needed to answer sat in my inbox for several extra days.

My work is still important. I love to work. But other things are more important to me during this season of my life, and my actions are starting to reflect those priorities.

I’m done with doing this alone.

I’ve been a lone wolf. I struggle to let people get close to me. I believe that I can do everything by myself because, for the most part, this has been true. I trust myself more than I trust other people. All of this comes from a very solitary childhood spent feeling like an outsider in fundamentalist evangelical culture.

But this is also true: Doing all of this (meaning work, but also parenting and living a complex life) isn’t possible on my own.

This realization has filtered into an entire overhaul of my long-term business plan. But in the near term, it also means that I’m working on hiring several subcontractors, a virtual assistant, and an editorial assistant. I’ve been asking our friends to trade childcare in the afternoons. My partner is taking a huge step back from work to support my business.

For the first time in my life, I am truly acknowledging that I can’t do this alone — ANY of it. I am competent, efficient and powerful, but I am also one person. And part of building a sustainable business is building in support. That way, you can take care of yourself as needed without worrying that things will fall apart.

As I consider how to reset my business long-term, support is the biggest piece of the puzzle. I’m not interested in building alone, anymore. I want to be part of a supportive, empathetic, caring collaboration. And, of course, receiving this kind of support means being willing to receive it. My therapy sessions have been 100% focused on this lately.

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None of these changes are even close to perfect, but it’s amazing to watch how little changes in focus, along with tiny actions, add up to a huge difference. Overall, I’m feeling much more grounded about my work. I’ve never been able to say that.

My coach reminded me last week that I’m in charge of my work. That comment felt silly, but also groundbreaking. “If you don’t want to do it like this anymore, don’t do it like this anymore,” he said. “The only one keeping you in this set up is YOU.”

He’s right.

The cage was never locked. We’ve had the keys all along.

We can all build something that’s more aligned. But that starts with permission to make tiny changes, to consider that maybe dread and overwhelm are reasons enough to give yourself something more sustainable.

I’m crawling through that mud with you.

Jenni