The hungry ghost of arrival bias
What if there is no "there?"
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Do you feel behind? I used to feel behind. My little brother feels behind. My best friend feels behind. By this I mean that we’ve all, at some point, felt like we’re not “there” yet. In the race of life, we’re only on mile three and we think we should be at mile 20. We worry that everyone else is looking at us and seeing that we’re not “there.” We feel insecure, full of self judgment, and ashamed. We’re like, “They probably think we don’t have our lives together. They probably judge us. They probably know that as hard as we might try, we’re not as far as we want to be.”
Lately, I’ve been thinking about this phenomenon of feeling behind, and berating ourselves for wherever we’re at. And then I heard about a term that really sums this up. It’s called arrival bias.
A bias is a prejudice or inclination toward a certain way of being or thinking. It’s a distortion. And in this case, it means that we have a distorted view of what we will get or feel when we arrive somewhere.
Arrival bias says: “When I get to X step in my life, I’ll feel fulfilled and happy.”
When I buy a house, I’ll feel more secure.
When I have children, I’ll feel more whole.
When I hit six or seven figures of income, I’ll feel more worthy.
When I get married, I’ll feel loved.
When my business is successful, people will be impressed with me.
When I win an award, I’ll finally get rid of my imposter syndrome.
Sound familiar?
Arrival bias implies that there is a destination. And it implies that when we get there, we won’t feel the need to hustle or try anymore. We’ll feel safe.
I hate to break it to you (and me), but there is no such place. There is no destination. Arrival bias is a dead end. So often, we get to the thing that we think will make us feel fulfilled and we find it… empty. We publish the book or the big story. We have the kid. We get married. And then we stand in this new accomplishment and we think… wait, this was what I was waiting for? Then we immediately turn around and start chasing something else in hopes that this will finally be the thing that makes us feel fulfilled.
I usually write in first person but today I’m using “we” because I’ve never met a person who doesn’t feel the pressure of arrival bias. And I believe that arrival bias is one of those cultural norms we need to investigate heavily, especially right now, as we all contend with disillusionment in the corporate, consumerist, unsustainable, money-first system we live in. Arrival bias is making us unhappy. Why? Because arriving is a lie. Arrival is a hungry ghost. We never, ever, ever get “there.”
My younger brother has always been on a non-traditional career path. He dropped out of college early-on, then returned to university in his mid-20s. He’s an artist and a musician. He makes wooden furniture and works at a plant nursery. (He’s an incredibly cool person.) A few months ago, we were talking about life paths and he told me he feels embarrassed because it seems like I’m much further ahead of him. I have two kids, a house, a dog, a mortgage, and a business. He’s working at a job that doesn’t feel like a career and living with roommates.
But the idea that I’m “ahead” and he’s “behind” implies that we are moving toward the same destination in a linear way. And we’re not. There is no there! And if there is no there, there’s no way to measure who’s in front and who’s behind. It turns out that the cliche is true: It’s about the journey, not the destination. After a few good pictures and social media posts, the destination turns out to be pretty empty, anyway.
In the research, scientists have found that satisfaction really does arrive most often in the little “along the way” moments. Stopping to appreciate small things — the trees around you, the way your partner chooses an outfit in the morning — markedly increases life satisfaction for most people. (Researchers call this “savoring.”) Ironically, appreciating these small things makes us less apt to chase more and more and more (the benchmark of capitalism). And wanting less is also tied to more satisfaction. Pausing to notice the journey you’re on every day has even been tied to positive overall psychological health. In short, the things that make us happy are not about arriving; they’re about being here. And it doesn’t even matter where here is — you just have to notice the here to reap the benefits!
Here’s what I’d invite you to think about, this week:
What does it look like to give yourself permission to be where you are now, versus hoping to be happy when you arrive somewhere else?
If there was no actual destination, beyond enjoying the little moments, how would that change your business?
What makes you feel most satisfied?
What hungry ghosts are you chasing?
Lately, my little-things-along-the-way-that-are-great list has included: Making sourdough bread. Business strategy sessions in bookstores. Hiking in the spring snow. Watching my daughter eat a lemon. Sledding with my son. Hugging my best friend at the airport. My husband’s singing as he does the dishes. Our wood-fired stove. Cold air. Hot tea. Grilled cheese sandwiches. Flannel sheets. Sleep.
And listen, I’m not saying that we should stop striving altogether. Ambition is an incredible force. We need big ideas in the world. We need your power. We need your voice. I’m overjoyed that this newsletter is growing. I’m excited about filling up my new coaching group. I have a big business idea that I’m interested in growing.
But what I’m suggesting is that maybe it’s a both/ and scenario. Maybe it’s about knowing where you’re headed, but actually noticing the things that happen on the way rather than waiting for “there” to experience joy. I often encourage my coaching clients to define a “north star” rather than a big goal; a north star helps you understand what direction you’re going so you can point your compass the right way with your daily actions. This works well because you’re not chasing an arrival point, you’re just heading in the direction of your choosing. (Which is, most often, a direction that only you find appealing.)
Remember this: The joy is actually here, now, right in front of your face. And embracing that could change how your nervous system experiences the pressure of work.
xo,
Jenni
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Curious about my background? I’m a writer and business coach based in Central Oregon. I have two small children and I work part-time so I can spend a lot of time with them. Lately, I’ve been obsessed with non-linear business building and teaching people how to build successful businesses that support their human needs first. Check out my coaching offerings here and follow me on Twitter & Instagram!
'If there was no actual destination, beyond enjoying the little moments, how would that change your business?' I will be pondering on this, this week.
I've been procrastinating on some tasks this morning, day dreaming of when I'll land my next thing and how that would be so much better. Reading this is helping me remember the life I actually have right now!