When your inbox owns you
When your inbox owns you
How to choose intentional action over reactivity
Mindset Mastery is a weekly newsletter about the psychology of small business ownership for creative entrepreneurs from Jenni Gritters. If you’d like to support my work, I invite you to become a paid subscriber for $5/ month! Paid subscribers receive monthly journaling prompts, along with other perks.
Luis was buried in emails. He was buried in deadlines. And he was buried in anxiety. He woke up each morning, created a 10-item to do list, and then spent his entire day fielding requests from clients over email rather than actually finishing up that list.
He came to my coaching Zoom room because he needed help. After two years of running his web design business, he’d made solid money and worked with a lot of high-quality clients. But the projects he actually cared about (an illustrated children’s book and a podcast) remained unfinished. He couldn’t even start them. Every time he tried, he found himself underwater again, answering emails again, fielding phone calls again.
Enough was enough.
Luis looked successful from the outside. But internally, he felt ruled by other people. He told me that he got upwards of 150 emails per day. It was, in his words, “out of control.”
Luis is obviously not alone. So many of us feel ruled by our inboxes and buried in client requests. Every time you answer an email, another one pops up! And while this can feel like endless opportunity and possibility, it’s also endless pressure. For Luis, it almost always felt like the latter. He couldn’t focus on what mattered to him.
We spent some time digging into the why behind Luis’ behavior. Notably, he had built a reputation of being responsive and kind, so he felt that people expected him to answer their emails right away.
He also identified that answering emails soothed his anxiety. When he knew that there were dozens of unanswered emails in his inbox — and when he saw that number flashing on the gmail tab — he couldn’t settle down. He felt like he needed to answer the emails so he could feel calm enough to proceed with the rest of his work. But the emails never ended, so he never stopped responding to the thing that triggered his stress.
If you’ve been coached by me, you’ve probably heard me share this quote:
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” — Viktor Frankl
In Luis’ case, the stimulus was unanswered emails. The response was answering the emails. Luis felt like he had no space between the two — and this meant his growth and freedom were being stifled.
But we are not robots. We all have the power to add a teeny tiny bit of space between the thing that happens to us and how we respond. If Luis could turn off the email firehose for just a moment by closing his inbox (even if there were still unanswered emails in there!) and taking a deep breath, he might have more power to govern his own days. He might find the time to start working on the projects he cared about most.
Luis told me he was willing to give it a try. We agreed that he would spend a week rethinking his inbox. He’d open it in the morning for about 20 minutes, address any urgent needs, then close it for a few hours. (Pro tip: Use Boomerang to pause your inbox and you won’t even know that new emails have come in!) Luis would need to tolerate the anxiety of not addressing his email during those few hours, so we came up with some tactics: Listening to calming music, going on a walk, and repeating to himself: I have the power to choose my routine. Then he’d look at his inbox once more in the afternoon for 20 minutes. Anything he didn’t get to could wait until tomorrow. Or, if it kept getting pushed back, maybe it wasn’t so important after all. We’d see what happened.
Luis also promised to do a bit of reflection on dealing with his anxiety. Long ago, I read that Glennon Doyle created two lists: One list of easy buttons and one list of reset buttons related to dealing with stress. The easy button list contained things that were numbing quick hits. But those buttons don’t really fix anything; Glennon explained that while they soothed her for a moment, they eventually stopped working. The reset buttons, on the other hand, were soothing tactics that actually worked. It’s like when you reach for a chocolate bar when you’re hungry; it tastes awesome and soothes you! But then you find yourself hungry again 20 minutes later.
I loved Glennon’s idea and made a list for myself, too, one that I still have tacked on my wall:
Luis came back two weeks later and reported that he’d had some success. When his inbox was closed, he found time to create a proposal for his podcast! And he was starting to rethink his reaction to email overall. Answering emails right away made him feel productive, needed, and efficient. But really, his clients were okay with a 24-hour delay in responses. And he realized that waiting to respond meant he was being more intentional about the information he gave them. As we talked, I could see his brain rewiring in real time: He no longer believed that his clients hired him because he was always available. He was starting to see that it was safe to wait a bit before responding. It was even safe, in some cases, to not respond to emails at all.
Plus, Luis was able to spend time soothing his nervous system with those reset buttons, which helped to lower his anxiety overall. Of course, all of this is a life’s work. But I can’t wait to read Luis’ children’s book next year!
We all have compulsive, work-related behaviors. Maybe yours is checking social media. Maybe you, too, are hooked into your inbox. Maybe you’re reacting right away to every edit in a google doc. Maybe you can’t leave texts unanswered. (It’s worth noting that this technology is designed to keep you hooked by giving you massive dopamine hits every time you get a notification! It’s not your fault.)
But if you want to feel like you have control over your workflow, here’s my advice: Add in that little bit of space. Choose a reset button instead of an easy button. Teach your body — and brain — that it’s safe to put your needs above those of your clients. And this doesn’t mean being rude or failing to help them with their projects. Rather, it means taking care of yourself well enough that you can do good work for your clients. It means being proactive, instead of reactive.
Today, paid subscribers will get a chance to fill out their own easy button vs reset button chart. Want in? It’s just $5 to sign up, and I’d appreciate your support. I love writing this newsletter but I can’t do it for free!
What reactive behaviors do you notice in your business, and how are they stealing your focus?
What would it be like to choose to take a deep breath before responding to emails or texts?
What is the fear that exists underneath your quick responses?
How can you soothe yourself?
Sending solidarity,
Jenni
Curious about my background? I’m a writer and business coach based in Central Oregon. I have two small children and I work part-time so I can spend a lot of time with them. Lately, I’ve been obsessed with non-linear business building and teaching people how to build successful businesses that support their human needs first. Check out my coaching offerings here and follow me on Twitter & Instagram!