Are squishy boundaries allowed?

On letting myself work a little bit during vacation

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Hi everyone!

I’m writing this newsletter from Joshua Tree, California. I’m on a 5-day trip with my husband, the first we’ve taken just us (without our kids) in more than two years. It’s been strange to be without responsibility for an entire week — but it’s also been incredibly necessary. I think it might be the first time I’ve experienced true leisure in years.

This week, I want to talk about boundaries. Mainly, I want to talk about the difference between flexible and rigid boundaries. Why? Because I’ve already had to confront my work boundaries this week and it sparked a good conversation yesterday between my husband and I about whether freedom is about holding to your boundaries (even when they don’t serve you best), or letting go of them. If you’ve been reading this newsletter for a while, it won’t surprise you that we landed on neither option as the answer; I’m forever interested in a third way.

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When I go on vacation, I typically set the following boundaries:

• I tell all of my clients (writing and coaching) that I won’t be able to email them while I’m away. (I also let everyone know when I plan to return to email.)

• I delete all of my social media and email apps off my phone.

• I log out of my social media accounts.

• I set an away message for my inbox.

• I ask my assistants to handle certain things while I’m away, like customer service-related questions and working ahead on research projects.

• I ask my in-laws (or whomever is caring for my kids) to call me before the kids’ bedtimes, so I can chat with them.

• I hold myself to doing morning pages and taking my vitamins every day, no matter where I am.

Yesterday morning, I woke up early and checked my email so I could read a message from our airbnb host. When I opened my email inbox, I saw that five of the members of my new coaching group, ADAPT, had asked me basically the same question about some homework I’d handed out the week before. (Last week was emotions week in the program, which is always a big processing week. I’m not surprised that I got so many questions!)

I was awake before my husband so I made coffee, turned on some jazz music, and did my morning pages. I noticed that my brain kept turning back to those questions from my coaching group members. I wanted to be able to provide them with some insight while I was away. BUT I’d set boundaries around communication; I told them I wasn’t available. I sat with myself for a while, wondering if it would be okay to answer folks anyway.

After a bit of meditation, I realized that I would be able to feel more settled if I answered them; but I decided to post just once in our Facebook group, providing insight that everyone in the group could use. I’ll answer the individual emails when I return to my inbox on Monday.

When my husband woke up, I made breakfast and admitted to him somewhat guiltily that despite saying I wouldn’t work this week, I’d done a bit of work.

He responded with this: “I really admire how you set boundaries but also have the ability to make them flexible when it suits your needs.”

Well, then.

He’s right; I do often flex my boundaries when my anxiety around something will be higher if I don’t work on it. This can mean answering emails in the evening, working on a Sunday afternoon, or checking messages during a vacation. And I’ve often felt guilty about this. My past business partners have been annoyed by it, too. But this is my truth: To me, freedom looks like being able to hold my boundaries and being able to step out of them momentarily, with flexibility, when it serves me. I don’t do well with rigidity.

Boundaries are obviously a hot topic right now in pop psychology. Everyone and their mother is setting boundaries. And listen, I love a boundary. But I don’t think the myriad articles about boundaries are quite getting it right because a boundary simply constitutes a demarkation of limits. It looks different for everyone.

I loved this quote that I read the other day: The essential nature of what we call “boundaries” is an external expression of an internal self-affirmation. This requires that we know and affirm what we feel inside and what is important to us.

Basically, this author means that boundaries are a reflection of what we know to be true about ourselves. Boundaries make our internal needs, external. Setting a boundary is vulnerable because it requires a lot of self-interrogation. A boundary, therefore, isn’t a rule. It’s not a brick wall. It’s just you telling the world what you need — and needs change. The same author goes on to say that “the essence of boundaries is differentiating what we want from what others want from us.” Yes, yes and yes.

My therapist mom describes a boundary in a relationship as a place where one person ends and another person begins. Setting a boundary often starts with defining what you are comfortable with, what you need, and how you want to be treated. Again, lots of internal work required to figure those things out.

Here’s an exercise my good friend Jens Cole used in a coaching session with me the other day, related to boundary setting. Take a moment to make two lists regarding your work life:

• One list of what you are willing to do

• One list of what you are unwilling to do

These are your boundaries, your outer limits.

I still remember the moment in therapy when I realized that boundaries don’t keep people away from you; they actually help the people you love, help you. In my family of origin, boundaries were considered to be mean or defensive. Setting boundaries was a no-no. But my therapist asked me to think about a good friend of mine who I considered to have very good boundaries. Sometimes, if we had a phone call scheduled and she wasn’t in a good energetic headspace, she’d ask to reschedule. This was her setting a boundary around her own needs. And this allowed me to get closer to her, not further away, because I could see her needs and meet them.

My therapist often describes setting boundaries as “putting your cards on the table” and inviting other people in your life to do the same. It’s not setting a hard line and requiring that everyone else stay away from you, on the other side of that line, forever (which is often how boundary setting is portrayed in popular culture). This sort of approach says “meet this need or I walk.” And while there’s beauty in knowing what is off-limits for you (in that unwilling list), there’s also so much more value in the process of negotiation. The more you negotiate, the closer you get to that person because the more you reveal about yourself and your true needs.

It’s worth noting that no one is obligated to meet your needs. No one is obligated to hold to your boundaries, either. Someone might email me this week with an “urgent” ask, despite seeing my OOO message about being on vacation. They might have a need that’s different than mine. But I don’t have to answer. Patrolling my boundaries, in this case, could look like not responding (unless the issue truly is urgent) until I’m back.

That said, here’s what I’m learning: During the negotiation process that occurs when other people throw their needs on the table and I add mine to the mix, I might see a different way of meeting my own needs. This might not look like the needs associated with the ambiguous ideal week I planned on Sunday, the one where I perfectly turned off my entire work brain (impossible) and remain 100% present (I wish) for this entire week of vacation. I will do my best to get close to those things, but it might also bring me joy to address a few of the needs of the other people — even my clients — during this week away. It’s a both/ and. I can take care of myself and adjust my expectations to the week I’m having, not the one I thought I might have.

So many of us feel like we need to have the firehose of work turned completely on (during a regular week), or completely off (during a vacation). But I’m learning this week that for me, “ideal” on a vacation is not actually all or nothing, black or white. Again, my best-case scenario is somewhere in the grey area. It’s a third way. And it changes based on my mindset in this season.

This week, ideal means checking in on my work occasionally. It means providing five minutes of guidance to the people I’m delighted to be working with this month. It means writing down business ideas as they come to me. It means turning off my phone when I hike. It means sleeping in. This week, my needs and emotions are a bit of a messy human cocktail — which means my boundaries might be a little messier, and a little more flexible, than society might tell me they “should” be.

In the toddler behavioral class I took a few months ago, they called boundaries “bumpers.” I like that. I’ve set myself a lot of good bumpers for the week, so I can get my needs met. But in the end, they’re just guidelines, not rigid rules.

Here’s a final, wonderful, missive from the author I quoted earlier:

“Boundaries can imply something rigid. Sometimes we need to be firm, such as when we’re mistreated or ignored. Most times, we’re better served by having flexible boundaries. We gently hold what we want while also listening to what others feel and want. We have “no” as a backup, but we engage in dialogue. We remain open to be influenced, but not to the point of dishonoring ourselves. We dance, delight in, and sometimes struggle in the space that lives between ourselves and others.”

For me, true freedom is found in that dance. While rigid, protective, cemented boundaries might feel safer, my freedom is found in the ability to flex my “willing” and “unwilling” list when I want to. It’s found in my ability to make on-the-fly decisions, and to control the way I communicate my needs in every moment. Freedom is the permission to decide when I want to step into work and when I want to step out of it again.

May you feel the permission to be malleable in the negotiation of getting your needs met, too. The best things in life are the messy ones.

xo,

Jenni

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Curious about my background? I’m a writer and business coach based in Central Oregon. I have two small children and I work part-time so I can spend a lot of time with them. Lately, I’ve been obsessed with non-linear business building and teaching people how to build successful businesses that support their human needs first. Check out my coaching offerings here and follow me on Twitter & Instagram!