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Have you checked out my new mini-podcast yet? It’s all about designing a reduced hour workweek to make more room for your humanity! I think you’ll love it.
Lately, I’m learning how to set boundaries — again. As a recovering people pleaser, this is probably my life’s work. Every time I think I’ve made some progress, I’m forced to acknowledge the fact that I could do more, be more clear, step out in favor of myself more often.
As my therapist put it a long time ago: You don’t have a boundary problem, you just have a little bit of erosion happening after you set the boundary.
I’ve thought about that a lot, thought about how the erosion often feels okay in the moment because it preserves my relationships. But lately, it’s become pretty clear that I need to set better boundaries in my coaching business if I want to avoid burnout.
I realized back in November that I’d been subconsciously holding back from inviting people into my coaching room because I was genuinely afraid to fill up my calendar. Why? Because of a lack of clear boundaries. And because the expectations I have for myself as a coach — very high expectations — have meant that I often give too much, extend the hour session to a full month of back-and-forth emails without charging more, and beyond.
I’m sure this sounds familiar to you. If you’re reading this, you’ve probably also experienced this heaviness, the resentment that comes with feeling like you have to “do it all” for other people. You’ve probably also experienced the worries about overwhelm, about managing your own capacity.
I want to challenge you (and me), though: What if they’re not asking us to do it all? What if over functioning is a protective impulse, so we can guarantee that we’ll be needed?
This is where I’ve landed: My desire to fix things for other people is actually a form of co-dependency. I want them to need me, because then I won’t be alone. But by doing extra work for them and stepping over my own boundaries, I’m actually holding them back because I’m not respecting them enough — or trusting them enough — to do the work on their own. They cannot grow if I’m managing every bit of the process; agency happens when you give other people permission to step into their own power.
In short, I’ve been unconsciously taking away people’s power because it felt safer to me — and doing so has meant that I’m freaking exhausted. It turns out that freeing myself from these expectations means freeing other people, too. They can step up and stand out, and I’m actually able to support them.
What a freaking relief.
Here are some examples of new boundaries I’m holding (copy and paste into your own business if applicable):
I’m upping my 1-1 coaching package rates so I can spend more time with each of my clients. I’m so excited about this change in my coaching business because I’ve seen first-hand that money is a form of energetic investment. The boundary I’m holding is saying no to arrangements that don’t fit this new matrix (coaching, but also writing work). After creating bespoke packages for coaching clients for years, I’ll be asking them to join one of my set programs instead.
The clarity: I need to invite clients into ongoing, slightly more expensive coaching programs if they’re going to see true transformation, which also allows me to invest more time in supporting them without burning out.
Boundaries set; boundaries held.
Here’s another: I’m getting clear about how to contact me. A writing client wanted my phone number so she could get ahold of me about a project. I redirected the conversation (kindly): “Just so you know, I don’t respond to texts or calls about work-related issues unless we’ve pre-scheduled a conversation! This is because of my schedule with my kids, and my inability to take on quick-turn projects. That said, I’m more than happy to correspond via email or schedule weekly check in calls.”
The clarity: My schedule is unique, and I need to provide clarity about how I prefer to interact. People can’t read my mind.
Boundaries set; boundaries held.
And one more: I’m committing to the small actions that make me feel good and keep my pace slower.
This one is, perhaps, the hardest for me — it means taking that daily walk instead of finishing my to do list, scheduling weekly acupuncture sessions and booking therapy, and making sure my husband and I get biweekly date nights. If I’m going to trust myself, I need to show up for myself in the ways I’ve promised.
The clarity: Without this stable base, I’m don’t feel good in the other areas of my life.
Boundaries set; boundaries held.
What I’m learning, again and again and again, is this: Clear is kind. Clear is professional. And clarity is necessary for boundaries, which make me feel safe. And when I feel safe, you can feel safe. When we both feel safe, we’re able to engage in a transformative relationship.
Boundaries are a relief, for everyone.
Here’s the take-away question: What do you need to do your best work?
Write it down, because those are the boundaries you need to set, communicate and keep (with, of course, a loose grip) in order to run a sustainable business, in order to avoid burning out.
You’re allowed to get what you need.
Sending you bravery for boundary setting this month,
Jenni
Curious about my background? I’m a writer and business coach based in Central Oregon. I have two small children and I work part-time so I can spend a lot of time with them. Lately, I’ve been obsessed with non-linear business building and teaching people how to build successful businesses that support their human needs first. Check out my coaching offerings here, and follow me on Twitter & Instagram.
Ahhhhh, there was the lightbulb moment, "What if I'm over functioning as a protective impulse?" The motivation is key!
“Clear is kind.” I love that.