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You know that feeling, right? The one you get when someone offers you a new gig and your dopamine levels skyrocket? Saying yes to a new project — any project, frankly — is a hell of a drug. Even better if it’s highly paid, something you’re really passionate about, or offered by a person who reached out because they appreciate your expertise.
But what happens when you say yes to all of those new things? What happens when that new-project-joy haze fades and you’re left with a pile of work that you actually have to complete?
The answer: Burnout.
Often, we make a decision to say yes based on what I call “shiny object syndrome.” It’s a knee-jerk reaction born out of novelty and enthusiasm. It’s not really a positive or a negative; sometimes those decisions work out! Often, saying yes to everything that comes our way helps us build up our businesses at the start. But over time, we may find ourselves saying yes so quickly that we end up with a pile of work that feels unfocused, misaligned or unintentional. Sound familiar?
Today I’m going to talk about how to slowly teach yourself to move toward a place of proactivity instead of reactivity. Today I’m talking about taking control, one assignment at a time.
First, the research: Humans are built to adapt when we’re under stress. This is called allostasis. One of the primary ways we deal with stress is to engage in what researchers call “pro-social” behaviors, which are behaviors intended to help other people. This makes sense: the more stressed you are, the more danger you feel. And the more danger you feel, the more likely you are to seek support from others by being helpful and saying yes.
Business ownership is generally a stress-laden style of work. We often don’t know where our next paycheck is coming from. We may be waiting for client payments, or searching for work but hearing crickets. And there are economic factors that cause stress, too — ahem, layoffs and a recession. So when we’re stressed, we’re more likely to say yes. It’s a normal response. It’s a safe response. It creates the illusion of security. It keeps other people happy. Sometimes it also creates actual financial security.
Here’s what this looks like in real life: Kai’s work mix was a hot mess. They knew it. I knew it. Their monthly roster contained 15+ different graphic design projects, all from different clients. Several of those projects were completely outside of Kai’s area of expertise, although the work was going just fine. A few others were not paid well, and each project was paid at a different rate.
Kai came to me because they were really stressed, and the prospect of a recession wasn’t helping. They also had no work booked for next month because they had so much on their plate at the moment; they didn’t have time to set up calls with new clients.
Kai told me that all of these assignments had come in via referrals. Their graphic design work was impressive, and they were easy to work with. So every time they worked with someone, a new client seemed to materialize. This was, on the surface, fantastic. Kai never had to do marketing! But when we actually talked about it, Kai realized that the primary feeling associated with their work was frustration.
“Where am I really going?” they wondered. Over the past year, after several chaotic months like this followed by weeks without any work at all, they were feeling out of control.
Kai knew burnout was coming next. And they had some big dreams about the types of clients they actually wanted to work with, as well as the schedule they wanted to have. Essentially, the ideal was not this.
In order for Kai to get to their ideal, we realized that they would have to take a big risk: Kai would have to start saying no. There were several pieces of this puzzle:
First, Kai needed to figure out their ideal hourly rate and pitch that to each client who approached them. Naturally, some clients would not be able to afford working with Kai if they held the line at a rate that would allow them to work four days per week, and not into the evenings.
Second, Kai needed to define the other things that mattered to them: the style of work, the type of client, the way the client communicated, and beyond.
Third, Kai needed to implement one of my favorite tools in small business management: the pause.
The pause looks like this: A shiny object comes flying into your inbox. A new gig! Someone who’s interested in my work! Money! Interesting connections! Wahoo!
But instead of responding “Sure, I’m available!” right away, you wait.
At the outset, this pause might look like waiting five minutes between getting the offer and writing your response. Eventually, however, I recommend that my clients spend a full 24 hours thinking about an opportunity before they respond. The truth is that you need time to let an opportunity sink in. You need to compare it to your goals and determine whether or not the opportunity aligns with what you truly want. You need to ask: Do I have time for this? Does it pay what I need? Do I want to do this work? Does it align with my long-game?
Take your dog for a walk. Get up and exercise. Talk the opportunity through with your partner or a friend. Look at your work mix. Close your eyes and ask your wise self whether the opportunity is aligned. THEN, and only then, do you respond.
When Kai sent an email to a potential client following their pause, they’d have a few different options:
A flat-out no (especially if the rate is off, or if they don’t have capacity for the project),
an offer for something slightly different (a different rate, a different timeline, a different scope),
or a full-out yes.
It’s hard to say no. I want to acknowledge that. We’re living in uncertain times. (Maybe times always feel uncertain?) And saying no — or “not right now,” or “I need to be paid more” — requires an internal rebellion against the way you’re programmed to respond under stress.
I have a quote written on a sticky note in my office:
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. And in that space lies our power to choose our response. In our power to choose, lies our growth and our freedom.” — Viktor Frankl
The pause allows you to make an intentional choice. Courage is defined as the ability to do something that frightens you, to take action in the face of pain or grief. Courage is a choice. But if you don’t pause between the stimulus and the knee-jerk response, you won’t have space to choose courage.
I also want to say that this is a life’s work. The first no is painful. The second no is easier. And then we may find ourselves in a position of stress and it becomes impossible to say no again. But we make our way through that tricky season, we reorient, and we pick up the practice of saying no once again.
For Kai, practicing the pause made all the difference. They didn’t always say no, and at first they spent a lot of time saying “not this,” then offering a new, slightly adapted option instead. But over time, saying no meant that Kai had time to go out in search of those bigger projects with more prestigious clients and higher pay. Over time, they reduced their work hours. They also created a network of other freelancers who could take on the work they turned down. This community became a support system that reduced stress levels for everyone, making it easier to say no.
Here are two questions I want you to think about:
What have you said yes to recently, that doesn’t feel aligned with your long game?
What is that yes costing you?
This is the hard work. It’s also the key to building an intentional business.
With love,
Jenni